Jack of all trades, master of none. This phrase came up in chat tonight, and it sums up exactly how I have felt my whole life. Some people seem to find their niche early on, and devote years to becoming really good at it, and I always envied those people. I, on the other hand, seem to have spent an insane proportion of my life trying different things but never sticking with it, or never managing to apply myself enough to finish the requirements in time. From Brownies, where I was forever telling Brown Owl I wanted to do this badge, or that badge, and I moved up to Guides not having achieved even one of those badges (and did the same there!)... to school, where I achieved good GCSEs but could have achieved much better... to Duke of Edinburgh's Award, where I did a couple of expeditions but never completed any of the award levels... to college, where I failed my course for want of a couple of studies/placements that weren't up to standard.

And now? I have a job, but it doesn't feel like a career, and I'm not sure what I would want my career to be. I've tried so many different hobbies, trying to find my passion, the one thing I have a natural talent for and which might just point me in the direction my career should take. I seem to be leaning in two directions... medical, as I have always had an interest in the human body and how it works (and how it doesn't!)... or artistic/creative, I enjoy crafts, and feel particularly inspired by featurettes on DVDs, when they show the props department creating fantastic creatures and costumes/accessories for films and TV shows (not that there seem to be many vacancies in that field here in the wilds of Herefordshire!)

Sure, on the positive side, I have tried a little bit of everything. But I would like to have a career, or at least some idea of what to start working towards...

Oh, the irony. I should be at work right now (9.20am). I just had the best sleep in I-don't-know-how-long - I actually got to sleep quickly, and slept right through the night without waking. And I should have got up at the same time as my b/f and gone to work. Supposed to get the 7.35am bus and get to work ready for 8.30am. I woke at 8.45am and the next bus is 9.35am, meaning I won't get there until nearly 10.30am.

Ok, tonight's long-overdue post is about insomnia... another of those wonderful symptoms I've been battling. It used to be that I noticed my wakefulness going in cycles, and if I went to bed as my energy levels began to dip, roughly every 2 hours, I could get to sleep without too much trouble. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost that knack, and tend to lie there, mind whirring, trying to get off to sleep. I generally resort to reading or doing puzzles to occupy myself and try to use up some "mental energy" and get to sleep. Though even when I do drop off, I tend to wake up a lot during the night and often find it hard to get back to sleep - I often think it's a good job I have ME as my body is used to "running on empty" and I can still drag myself into work despite chronic sleep deprivation! GPs won't prescribe me sleeping tablets, I have tried the amitriptyline they suggest, along with kalms, meditation, hot chocolate, warm baths and all the other things that are "supposed" to help you sleep, all with no success. Ironically, coffee doesn't keep me awake, and from time to time I drink it as a bedtime drink! Maybe I should stop asking for sleeping tablets and start taking caffeine instead?!

OMG, how long is it since I updated this blog?! Kept meaning to, but couldn't decide what to write about, so I kept putting it off, thinking "I'll do it later, or tomorrow, or at the weekend, or...". So many things in life I have started with the best of intentions, only to drift away and neglect it. I'm sure I read somewhere (but I'm not going to look it up because I know that will lead to random surfing and before I know it'll be late and I'll be too tired to finish this entry!) that it takes something like a month to ingrain a new habit. Hah! Not with ADD. First you have to keep doing it for more than a few days in a row, many attempts later I might manage a week. Even when I think I've got the hang of a habit it can disappear in an instant.

So many things get started and never finished. I tried writing, both fiction and non-fiction, flitted to something else, by the time I got back to it I'd lost my groove and couldn't get back into it. Those files are still on my computer because I will finish them. Someday. Or try to, anyway... LOL. I have a needlework project in mind, just as soon as I have done some repairs to some clothes - just a hole to mend here, a seam to repair there, a button to sew back on... not to mention the cross stitch picture that was meant to be for my mum & stepdad's 1st wedding anniversary (they've been married several years now!). I have so much stuff that is the result of taking up a hobby with raging enthusiasm, only to find I never have the time, energy, charged batteries, or some vital accessory, to actually do. But I don't get rid of the stuff because I will do it again... Someday.

Have just finished reading ADD - Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life and one suggestion is actually allocating days on the calendar as "someday" - if you've been meaning to write a letter "someday", enter it onto your calendar as if it were an appointment that you have to keep... I'm trying to do it in a small way - I know I can't do much in the evening when I get home from work so each day I plan one activity. It's only a small thing, but something that falls by the wayside if I don't purposely plan to do it. The other day it was swimming, I have been meaning to go for ages, so now I have it booked into my diary that I go to the Wednesday evening lane swimming session. Another night it was to cook a risotto - if I don't plan to cook I will just bung a ready meal in the microwave, or worse, not bother eating at all. Tonight was to actually update this blog instead of just letting it float about un-updated like all my other websites.... all started in a burst of enthusiasm and updated sporadically when I remember/feel guilty about neglecting them for so long...

OK, generally this doesn't cause too many problems, but there are times when I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't have this problem. Some stuff never even got started, like my intention as a student to ace all my exams, go to university and study something, maybe medicine, and generally be amazingly awesome, super-qualified and astoundingly well-paid. Oh well. Some things got started and went through sheer hell to get finished, like my NVQ - I was so close to giving up, didn't think I could do it but my supervisor basically wouldn't let me bail out and by some miracle I managed to get through and produce the necessary paperwork to pass. Some things weren't so lucky - my college course was a casualty - some modules I aced, others needed repeating and I was supposed to repeat a term after the summer holidays to fill in the gaps. At the 11th hour I finally accepted that I couldn't do it and bailed out. I kept the assignment sheets intending that someday I would re-do them and do a better job, but I know that will probably never happen and even if I did, I couldn't get the qualification with them anyway...

I could get down about the stuff I missed out on... or I could tell myself that at least now I know why it happened (or rather, didn't), and find ways of working with my ADD characteristics, instead of constantly clashing with them. All this time I've been trying to fit in with a "normal" world, now I need to embrace my different wiring and figure out how to make my world fit me better.

I like analogies, I think they're a good way of explaining things to people who don't have experience of what you're trying to explain. All you have to do is find a link with something they have experience of/interest in. Maybe it's an ADD/creativity thing? Maybe a result of me being a visual learner rather than an auditory learner?

I recently explained the difference between a computer hard drive and RAM to a family member - he's definitely at the newbie end of the computer scale but is into scale modelling/plastic model kits. So I told him that the hard drive is like the cupboard he stores his model kits in, you can put them in and take them out like moving files around on the computer. You can store as many kits (files) as you have cupboard (hard drive) space for. RAM is like his modelling desk, it's where you put the model you are working on. If you have a small desk (RAM) you can only really work on one kit (file) at a time, or things start falling off the sides. You have overheads too, like paintbrushes and glue, that will need desk space. Upgrading your RAM is like getting a bigger modelling desk - you can work on more kits at the same time, or you can work on a more complex kits without worrying about losing pieces.

I thought it was rather a good analogy, especially as I just thought it up on the spur of the moment! And the upshot of it all was that he agreed to upgrade his RAM, if I would look up the right sort and order it, and fit it when it arrives. Should be here in a couple of days. :) And to bring this post back on topic, I thought of an analogy for the problems we ADDers have with concentrating. Velcro. "Normals" are like the hooky side of velcro, can stick to most things and stay with it for a decent length of time. We ADDers are like the loopy side of velcro, we have difficulty getting stuck to things, apart from the occasional hooky thing that does manage to stick. I'm not sure what the two different sides of velcro sticking to each other symbolises, but I'm sure if it comes to me it'll be at the most inopportune moment possible, and I'll probably forget it before I get the chance to write it down... LOL

Well, I was going to write a post about distractibility, but then I started surfing M thru F...

Should probably write another post, huh? Bet this one won't be as long as the first one, I don't have the advantage of being able to copy from my school reports this time. Whatever I end up writing here will be whatever I've managed to tease out of my hyperactive brain and form into some kind of readable entry.

Well, the main thing that happened lately is I argued with a couple of people at work. Stupid stuff really, rotas, computer logins, etc. When I don't do stuff I get hassle, when I do stuff that's not my turn on the rota but I was asked to do it by a senior, I get hassle. You'd think she'd be grateful to have one less job to do. Meanwhile I'm thinking why do I bother...? Meanwhile I hate answering the phone because I have enough trouble concentrating on what I'm doing without interruptions, but I had to stop what I was in the middle of doing and answer it because she was across the room chatting to someone.

I hate how I can never seem to phrase things right, I'll ask a question at work (e.g. to check if we should deviate from the normal procedure because of the details we've been given) and I'll have to add in details to clarify what I'm asking so it ends up all jumbled. I know what I want to ask and I'm sure my reasoning is correct, but I can't seem to ask it in a clear, concise way. For someone always told how intelligent she is it's very frustrating. And when we get into debates at work, I hate it when I can see the flaw in the other person's logic but can't convey my point clearly enough.

It's also why I love using computers so much - because I can write, rewrite, edit, save & re-read, look up info, and generally be happy with what I'm saying before sending/printing it. Like this post - I debated whether I wanted to talk about work, whether I should delete it and start again on another topic. Even now I've decided to post it, I can still change it or delete it if I change my mind in the future. Can't do that in real life. If only...

Ok, first post time. What to write? Where to start? I guess I should start at the first point I came across information about ADD. It would have been around 1998, I was at college and as often happened, I'd been sidetracked while searching for info on whatever assignment I was supposed to be working on at the time. I came across a letter written by a man with ADD, to his daughter who also had ADD. For what seemed to be the first time ever, I was actually reading something I truly empathised with! I have tried to find it since with no success, but I know I printed out a lot of stuff back then so it's possible I have it somewhere.

Since then I have come back to the subject from time to time, I recently found a printout of an ADD questionnaire I filled in in 2004, and a book I bought in 2008 - amazingly I can date that purchase because the receipt, although I bought several books in that shop, was still tucked inside the front cover - something I very rarely do! I have recently come back to the subject of ADD yet again, and have found more evidence that this could be what I have, so have joined up with an Adult ADD site/forum (link on the right).

I was recently sorting through an old "memory box" (aka an excuse not to throw stuff out!), when I came across my school reports from primary school (years 3-6/aged 8-11) and a report from an educational psychologist who assessed me when I was 10. With hindsight there are many comments which seem to point to the possibility of ADD, although it was never diagnosed back then. I guess the stereotypical view at that time (1989-92) was that it was ADHD and that it resulted in young boys running around the classroom disrupting other children. A shy, lonely girl wouldn't have set off their ADD-radar back then.

Anyway, here are the main points, edited for brevity and privacy but in essence exactly as phrased on the reports themselves...

• Year 3: ...has been put into the top group because she is capable of doing the work but sadly often fails to finish even the minimum amount of work when it involves writing... ...should be on a higher book but needs to do the ground work first... ...seems to be quite interested but again needs lots of pushing to get work done... ...is a very clever girl who can't realise her potential...
• Year 4: ...still needs an enormous amount of support and encouragement to complete a piece of work... ...seems enthusiastic, wanting to complete work... ...her written topic work though much speeded up is still disappointing and does not reflect her ability... ...academically has no problems, she understands easily and has the potential to be a very able little girl...
• Year 5: ...has great ability in creative writing and has produced some wonderful poems, but only when it suits her... ...shows good understanding and can apply her knowledge, but she could do much better if she would apply herself to her work... ...very slow to complete work... ...often prefers to daydream or read than to complete any topic work. She can do so much better...
• Year 6: ...needs to come out of her shell much more and contribute to class discussions... ...a great deal of ability mathematically and I hope that her slow rate of work does not hamper her progress... ...must get her findings down on paper more... ...plenty of ability but does not apply herself sufficiently... ...finds difficulty in disciplining herself to get ideas down in writing, needs persuading to finish her work...
• Psychologist's Report:
  • Referral: ...teachers were concerned that she was not fulfilling her potential as an able child because she seemed unable to stay on task and seemed to avoid work, when prompted she often reacted badly. They also expressed concern about her lack of friends and poor social skills.
  • Background: ...her short concentration span and relationship difficulties have been a cause for concern since she joined the junior school, however, earlier behavioural problems such as temper tantrums have largely disappeared.
  • Observation: ...evidently eager to impress this visitor... ...was sitting at a table on her own [which] may also have contributed to her ability to concentrate.
  • Discussions with Staff: ...is often late in the mornings... ...on bad days [she] seems determined not to do any work, occupies herself, looks busy but actually produces very little... ...will occasionally seek [other children's] attention by pulling on their clothes or tapping them... ...still likes fiddling with things... ...often switches off from the task completely and will leave the group...
  • Individual Interview: ...volunteered no information about any difficulties she might have and I felt she was choosing her answers carefully so that she gave nothing personal away and presented a 'safe' and positive picture which gave me little insight into her feelings...
  • At Home: ...often late for school because she will not get out of bed and dresses extremely slowly... ...will sometimes be enthusiastic about a particular activity and will get ready on time and be organised, at other times she has to be nagged to get on with things...
  • Conclusions: ...does not find it easy to approach and make relationships with other children... ...attempts to approach and/or gain attention from [them] are still sometimes inappropriate... ...despite her apparent lack of motivation towards school work she does worry about getting things wrong and is pleased when she produces work that is praiseworthy...